Refreshed from a good night's sleep and having adequately compensated the innkeeper from the coin pouch poor Triskal in his haste forgot to take him with, our intrepid friends set off on the road again, refreshed in stomach from boar, a hot water bath and the finest goat cheese, bread and crinkle tea this side of the Drinking Bandit's small but loyal customer base. Thoughts of swiftly addressing Sir Drick's Keep, affording him a good scolding for keeping such an important artifact as the Blue Lotus Flower and returning to the witch forthwith fill our heroes minds, but before they've barely stepped foot out the door, what might cross their paths yet again, or rather, the knight's path but... Befuddled Horse. Neighhhhh!!! Neighhh!!!! Horse-Merchant. Come now mare, now come now come There's a good filly, there's a sweet crumb You're a good mare and a right dear fare Come you're making all the street stare Here, have a sugar there, or have a two By the blazes had I known when you I did accrue you'd whine and kick like an old woman's tongue or splutter and neigh like a murderer hung I would have gone no past a third of what I paid more simpleton I am for having thus mislaid my riding crop! Now.... hold.... Befuddled Horse. Nayyy!!! Nay!!!!! Horse-Merchant. Oh by the gods! Be silent you filly Hence I shall verily strike you silly Oh, how foolish what a clown and dolt! to think such a fine beast with so clear a coat could be had for a milk cow's cost and now what have I gained for the monies lost? No dairy fare or a war riding stallion no cheese or butter or milk by the gallon But a frightful dragon, or wyvern at least! What demon did ride you, you infernal beast Some crude misspoken minotaur, or ugly arriviste? Thou hive without a queen, bread with excess yeast! Hold I say, Whoa and Stop and Hai hai whoa! [The horse-merchant raises his fist to strike the poor mare, but is quickly caught by a stronger firmer, gauntleted one] Gudo. Hold Sirrah! Now what have we here, Grig? No doubt a most inhuman unkindly prig who would strike a poor and innocent horse without so much as offering tear or sad remorse Grig. Hmmm, Gudo. Obnoxious and Obscene This is no gentle trader but a slaver spirit mean Whose words so rank of lies and foul deceit worse than Gordon's private privy, I dare entreat Gudo. A most virulent insult! And quite rightly so You've been in his privy so you should know bandits, brigands and monks of dark chanting talking ranting mice and a witch of appearance painful wanting Yet all know some of the foulest creatures truly are not dank zombies or gang members most unruly But the horse merchant who doth strike his horse On such a fiend and wicked catnip is all my tender mercy lost! Now, what should I do, or hmmm and hummm.. Perhaps with my maces I ought to presently drum some gentle sense into yon merchant's brain Any man who'd beat a knight horse must be quite insane Horse-Merchant. Ha ha, Good sir, well, howdee do you A most pleasant day it is, and those words are true Such beautiful clouds see? And a nice warm breeze One longs to yell dramatically, 'What a day to seize!' And oh, oh, I wouldn't strike a horse, no sir! What, do you think me some lowly street cur? Some Mongol horselord or a thief hustling rag Why, such is my fame of animal love, I don't brag Ask about, all know Honest Akhbar's famed gag 'Kindness to animals or be a worthless fag'! Grig. And not only that, he's rude and homophobic Such language he uses! I'd give him martial aerobic With your sword or mace or silvered morningstar While I strum us a tune of 'The Petulant Slave and an Angry Tsar' Horse-Merchant. Why no no, such a tune of woeful exercise Would swiftly lead to my painful poor demise No No, ha ha, really, thank you Sirrahs, no. It's just that this gentle mare was a fiend ago Busting and neighing and whipping frenzied flurry Not going anywhere yet in some right proper hurry To struggle against this hand that knows no violence and all I sought to do was with sugar and persuasion silence her loud and mournful disposition Now, you were saying She is a Night's Horse? That explains her loud and fire temper, o'course! A horse of the Night, A Shadow-mare An Evening Roan, a most astute observation I'd care to add. Now, but I have not heard of such twilight breeds No doubt a good sunset and a pail of nice corn feeds, a good brushing down then, is what she needs? Grig. A comedic merchant, why now I've seen it all From Lady Gordon's Knickers to Tourlane's battle call A merchant lacking in the simplest horse's sense His bulbous waist and wit a matching dense! Gudo. What my companion means to here exclaim Is a fact that I too find somewhat poor and lame That I didn't mean this horse is some Night-mare But a high born beast of a pure and noble fare A Knight's Horse, mine, to be plain exact Stolen by bandits on some poor and dusty track And now I find her mistreated by a Vandal's arm Of whom I am still quite moved to do some lessoned harm..... Horse Merchant. Why Sirrah! We have such common ground to be as brothers, or at least companions sound I myself do find horse thievery knavish and hate all such stealing from any nomad dervish to be quite offensive and distressing too So here you stand, a victim then, are you? Then a friend to me, and friend to merchant true Such a Magnificent Horse, this fine and noble Mare If I could, just, make a humble offer, if I dare Four silver pieces no more and prithee, no less and at your acqueience and positive behest She will be yours! Gudo. Aye, indeed Such a Magnificent Horse! I shall pay you your four silvers, of course Now unhand the beast and thank you for your business and be off with you with swiftly moving briskness Grig [shouting at the fleeing merchant]. And thank the king good luck has kissed this day For food and sleep and soap and water play Such beguiling tunes to the travelling adventurer Were it yesterday you'd be less fortunate, I'd venture! This then is how brave Sir Bastien Gudo rescued his faithful horse of 7 years. Although it may seem rather a brutish encounter and no shop-keeper would ever stand for such strong armed tactics in our modern society, one must remember that the land that our adventurers lived in was a much rougher, unkinder one, with dishonest traders, innkeepers who watered down their ale and rats who promise their aid and run off the next minute at every bend of the road. However, if the reader is still unconvinced, perhaps the knowledge that the horse-merchant had acquired the good knight's horse for only two silver pieces and five copper coins would set things right somewhat. Such is the way with horse-merchants, who would of course be proud of their descendents, the real-estate agent and the much maligned Men-who-sell-cars-twice-owned. copyright 1997 Gerald Tan & Nigel Poh Click on the dragon to proceed with the tale... ... the dagger to go to the previous page ... and the snoozing gnome to return to the Home Page. Currently playing "You Never Give Me Your Money" by The Beatles.